Giving Thanks

(Nikki and Liberty)

Last night I got to go to dinner with two of my nieces, Nikki and Shannon and then to "The Forgotten Carols" with Shannon.

Why am I telling you this? Well, just be patient for a moment...I am getting there.

For the last little while there has been this scrap of a thought/feeling rattling around in my subconscious. Last night it formed into a full fledged, heart touching, soul pricking, punch to the face.

(DeeAn laughing so hard I think she might fall over)

During the dinner the thought started forming and then during the performance it came to me. I have been given one of the greatest gifts.

A wonderful, fun, energetic, caring, opinionated, unique, LOVING family.

You know what else? I wouldn't trade them for any other family in the world.
My family is perfect for me.

(Lily)

And I get to have the best of both worlds. Awesome siblings AND fantastic Nieces and Nephews...who often feel more like siblings. I just love them.

This is going to sounds cheesy, but a firm sure knowledge that being a part of my family was not a coincidence but a divine gift really is the best Christmas gift I could receive.


Besides, what other family could love this face AND get my sense of humor!?

(P.S. I have a wonderfully talented niece Megan who is a photographer. She took all the pictures above and I stole them from her FB. Meg, don't be mad).

Ummm...Really? Is That Fashionable?

Disclaimer: I am not the trendiest person alive.

Okay, sitting in the cafeteria at school chatting it up with my fellow classmates, generally having a great time.

In walks a woman, a fellow classmate, at first I thought she was wearing knee high boots.

SHE WASN'T.

Picture this:

White long sleeve button up blouse. (Nice, very professional)
Fitted navy knee length skirt. (Again, nice.)
Maroon knee high socks. Socks not nylons or knee high nylons. (uhhhhhh....)
Black ankle boots or "booties". (eh?)

What in the HECK is going on??

Is this high fashion or just plain crazy? My vote is the later. Crazy woman. I wish I could have taken her picture.

Must Go: Loud Eating

I am sitting in my class before class starts catching up on reading.
It's a pretty good size classroom.
All of a sudden what do I hear? Crunch, chomp, CRUNCH, chOMP, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP....
A person was eating chips...it was sooooo loud.
Instead of giving them the stink eye I chose to put in my ear phones (skull candy earphones...in case you are interested.). I CAN STILL HEAR THE CHOMP/CRUNCH.

Seriously???

I turn up the volume which helps somewhat...
But not completely.
I am not sure why but loud eating just grates on my last nerve. The. very. last. one.
I know this is petty and you are probably saying "C'mon lady chips are just a naturally loud food."

Guess what? I don't really care.
And neither does my last nerve...

For heavens sake let's just try to be quieter when we eat.
I this an unreasonable request?
When eating some food items...probably.
But still...please?

Today. Tomorrow.

Today.

Two years ago today I got a call from my brother telling me that I should probably go see Dad. He told me Dad wasn't doing well.

Two years ago today my heart started hurting.

Two years ago today I said goodbye and told you that I loved you. I knew when I saw you it wouldn't be long. I didn't want to believe it but I couldn't deny it.

Tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow I got a call from Mom that you had passed away. I had just gotten out of the 1st elevator I had to take to get to work. I knew when I saw the caller ID what she would be telling me.

Two years ago tomorrow I rushed home and peeked in on your body and knew you weren't there.

Two years ago tomorrow my heart hurt so bad as it was breaking because I knew I wouldn't hear your voice or see you again for the rest of my Earthly life.

Today.

Today I know more than ever that families are forever. I am so grateful the for knowledge of Eternal Families and that I am a part of one.

Today I know that you still watch over me and the rest of your family. I can feel your love.

Today the heartache is less and I choose to remember all the good things you taught me.

Today, and really everyday, I am thankful for the blessing of having you as my Earthly father. I am excited for the day when I get to see you again. I love you!

I Believe...

I get the feeling that I will be spending a lot of time in my life serving in the the Primary. I love the Primary. Although, sometimes I wonder why I have this calling and then we have the Primary Program at church and I remember.

Simple truths taught in the Primary speak to my heart.

At the end of the primary program I had tears in my eyes. Children singing and speaking of the Savior is a powerful thing. Very tender...

Over the last couple of weeks I have had these words stuck in my mind playing over and over and over...

I know He Lives!
I will follow faithfully.
My heart I give to Him.
I know that my Savior love me.
(I Know My Savior Loves Me by Tami Jeppson Creamer & Derena Bell)

It is a beautiful song especially when sung by children. But the reason I love it is because it is POWERFUL in it's simple truths. These words have become a part of my testimony of my Savior. What joy, comfort, and peace they bring to me.

The One Where I Experienced A New Culture

First let me just say this picture should be burned but instead I am sharing it on my blog.

Last year I went to a "white trash" party. Super fun. Jerome (the guy right behind me) had wanted to have a WT party for sooooo long and finally he set the date. We had hot dogs and ramen. Drinks in a kiddie pool and all sorts of fun games.

As you can see from the above picture I got really into it going so far to create a back story. My WT name was Branddean, I was named after my two dads, Brandon and Dean. My mom didn't know who the actual father was and Brandon and Dean refused to take a paternity test in case the gov'nment put their information in the system. I had an accent and everything. I had sooooo much fun...maybe too much fun.

Which is why I must tell you I have finally after a year decided that Branddean must go away FOREVER.

Sorry world.

The List 9.22.10

I have a friend who writes a list everyday and I am priveledged to get the list everyday since I am on the "A" list. A couple of things on today's list mirrored exactly how I have been feeling the last little while so I am stealing part of his list and sharing it...

1.) Looking in a mirror that is reflecting your life is hard. Its hard to see your life actually reflected back. You can cover your life for so long but ultimately you have to look at it.

4.) Sometimes, you hear things, and you really can't 'unring that bell'.

It's HERE

Football season is FINALLY here and well underway. I am very excited to have season tickets again this year (thanks to my brother-in-law Dennis). You may not have known this about me but I love sports but only when I get to go to the stadium, arena, ice rink, etc and watch it live. There is nothing I love more than going to games and Ute Football games is only second to Aggie Hockey games.

This season I am looking forward too:
* The excitement that builds as I am headed to the game.
* Wearing red (except the black out game)...I look HOT in red!
* Tailgating.
* Singing the Utah Man song after every touchdown or field goal.
* Learning about a new penalty at every game (it seems like the Utes get an awful lot of penalties...who knew there were so many different penalties)
* Sitting with Shanni at every game.
* Cheering, screaming and grrrrr-ing.
* Basically EVERYTHING!

Here is to a great season....GOOOOO UTES!

Should Not

I called David a couple days after he went home to see if he missed me.

His response?

"Como Nellie I miss your iPod."

That dang iPod I should not have ever downloaded the Thomas game and let him and Joseph play it. But oh how they loved playing it!

Amen

This quote was on my daily calendar today:

I like living. I have somtimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. - Agatha Christie

After reading this, I thought to myself "AMEN!".

Korean Brothers

David and Joseph are visiting me (okay, the whole family) this week. Just before this picture was taken Joseph had his arm around David. TOO. CUTE. FOR. WORDS.

I love my family and especially these cuties.
A couple of nights ago David prayed for me and Grandma (melt my heart).
I am slowly but surely winning over Joseph, today at lunch as we were leaving the restaurant Joseph grabbed my hand...not his mom's. YES!

Let's just say it has been a great week!

**Please disregard the messiness of my apartment and the laundry basket of clothes.**

The One Where I Smell Like Smoke

A couple of weekends ago my friends and I went up Millcreek canyon to have tinfoil dinners. SUPER FUN! (With a few exceptions)

Here is my list of tips for a successful tinfoil dinner outing:
1. Don't ask if we remembered to bring wood. Of course we brought wood...we aren't idiots.
2. Wear a cute outfit for pictures (see above).
3. Invite as many CERTS as possible.
4. If the women start the fire don't criticize...jut praise.
5. Bring cards games.
6. Limit the amount of card games Amber can play (she always wins which is NO fun).
7. Don't let me get trapped talking (or rather listening) to a certain person.
8. Bring candy & especially chocolate.
9. Don't ask me if I brought a mini axe. Of course I didn't. Why would I? The fire was going fine 30 minutes ago until the BOYS starting messing around with it.
10. Have friend Russian children next door that invite you to be in "the club".

My Dream House and Yours

My whole life (okay maybe from Jr. High to the present) I have loved looking at house plans. I love dreaming/scheming/thinking about my future home.

I am pretty sure this is mostly a female thing.

I can't help it. I can hardly wait until the day I get to have my very own "dream" home. I know my dream home won't be the first home I buy but hopefully I will own it some day.

What are the components that are "set" must haves for the DH? (Just a short list of the many things I want...)
* Windows. Lots and lots and LOTS of windows. My friend had a birthday party at a house with a billion windows (slash the whole front) and I loved it.
* Built in book shelves. Seems kind of weird/standard but I went to a house that had amazing built in book shelves in her front room and they were super full (artfully arranged) with all the owners favorite books. If you know me I have lots of favorite books and what a better way to keep them!! It was amazing...I was mesmerized.
* Arched doorways. I am not sure what it is about arched doorways...but I love them.

Last night I visited my sister-in-law and saw her new house (AMAZING) and I have a new *must have* for the DH:

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Are you ready?...

Washer/dryer in the master bedroom closet! (There was another laundry room).

You love it...just admit it! I do too!

So...what are the *must haves* of your DH?

Flying

Time has been flying by.
In just over a week I will start the SECOND and LAST year of my MBA!
I am so excited.
What happened to the month long summer break I had?
It seems like it has only been a couple of days.
I had these big plans.
The biggest plan being home/personal organization.
That was put aside in favor of hanging out with friends.
I have loved every moment.
And...there's always next week for home/personal organization...right?

Trust: Learning How To

Two things in the last couple of days have reminded me of a a time in my life when I had to learn to be patient and put my trust in the Lord.

On Sunday in testimony meeting there were two testimonies that spoke of the Lord's plan versus our plan. They talked of how we need to sometimes "get out of the way" so the that we can move forward on the Lord's plan.

Then tonight (this is cheesy) I saw "Letter's To Juliet" and when Claire wrote the response for Juliet she talked of "What If's" as in "What if I had done this instead of that."

When ever I think of the Lord's plan for me and/or what if I had (insert statement here) I think of the last year of my time in Logan.

Let me just tell you that I was NOT happy to be there. I was excited to graduate college and get started on my life and in my mind that included leaving Logan. In my personal life (friends and such) there seemed to be lost of drama and I spent more than my share of time frustrated, irritated, and crying over the drama.

I graduated in April and during the summer anxiously looked for a job in SLC to no avail. I ended up taking a job in Logan which was NOT in my plan. I still continued to look for a job. Later that summer I got in a huge fight with one of my closest friends at the time.

Here I was in Logan not in SLC and had just had a huge falling out with the friend I did almost everything with. I was not happy. I just wanted to be somewhere else but nothing was working for me.

It felt like I was kicking against the pricks.

In November I had finally gotten a job offer from a company in SLC but for lower pay and responsibility than at my current job. I had a choice to make. Do I stay in Logan (where I thought I didn't belong and was determined to kind of loath) or do I take a pay cut and move to SLC (where at this point I thought I would be happy)? I just couldn't decide and didn't have a strong feeling either way.

I got a blessing and was given some great advice that "I make good choices and either decision would be a good one. That this was my decision to make."

I chose to stay in Logan but continue looking for a different job. I am so grateful that I made this decision.

Thinking back the Lord had a reason for me to spend an extra year in Logan after I graduated. There were specific lesson's I needed to learn and specific people that I needed to meet.

There were two big things that impacted my life:

1. That last year amongst all of the people that made an impact on my life I met two of the most amazing women. They have become great friends who have helped me stay close to my Father in Heaven. The other, and just as important, thing they have done is they have been honest and questioning. I love it and need it. Everyone should have at least one, preferably many, friends who aren't afraid to ask you hard questions and expect answers and then respond with care and love. I am so grateful I have this in my life.

2. I learned to trust the Lord. I learned that the Lord does have a path for my life and working together with Him will be rewarding and bring much joy to my life. What if I had left Logan a year earlier? Scary thought. There isn't a part of that time I would change. Not the heartache, tears, joy, or laughter. Not one moment.

My favorite scripture that not only defines this time of my life but reminds me to trust the Lord is: Doctrine and Covenants 101:16 "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."

"Be STILL and KNOW that I am God."

What comfort and peace these words give me.

CERTS: It's Just What We Do

Remember when I went through CERT training? Cool, right?

Well, what is even cooler than going through CERT training is having a photo shoot with your CERT buddies in preparation for making a CERT calendar. Let's just say 2011 is the year of the CERT.

My cute (extremely talented) friend Kristy took the photo's of Heather, Erin, and myself. Let's just say after you see these you will finally realize that you will pretty much want us around in an emergency.

You can check out some of the pictures (and Kristy's amazing wit) here: Chillygator.

AND

You can check out the full photo shoot here: Green Hills Photography

Ya...I know we are awesome!

(((Opinion Poll))) Billion Dollar Challenge

One of my very favorite things is "What If" games. I especially love "What would you do if you won a $300 million dollar lottery"

I know, I know, I need to get my head out of the clouds.

So, what would you do if you won $300 million dollars? (remember the point is to have fun...saving it all or investing or paying off debt = boring.)

More Coveting

I went to lunch today in the above beauty. I know need one. I hereby declare I am COVETING a VW EOS convertible car. I pretty NEED a convertible. Not want, NEED.

Dreams

Last night I had the following dream:

I was on a speed boat on the ocean.
No one was driving the boat but it was going very fast.
I was a model and modeling on the boat.
The camera people were hovering above the boat...not sure on what...
To model I was posing on the seats, pretending to drive while rocking out to music etc...
The final modeling shot was me HACKING off my hair.
Lets just say I remember looking SUPER ugly with short hacked off hair.
Then after the modeling shoot was over I was trying to make an appointment with CODY to get my hair fixed.

The end.

WEIRD.

6.20.2010

Dad,

Happy Father's Day! I hope you got to spend today with your dad and sons. I can't imagine a better time.

So, no one told me that the 2nd Father's Day without you would be much harder than the first. I didn't even realize today was Father's day until church. It was the last speaker in Sacrament meeting that really got to me. He was talking about how you feel about your dad at different ages in life..once he got to 35, 45, 55, etc. I started to tear up. The typical things you think or do with your dad at those ages I won't get to experience. I wish you were there or at least waiting at home for some strawberry ice cream. Sometimes I still expect to see you in your room as I walk by...and it shocks me you aren't there.

Don't worry Dad I have faith I will see you again. I know you are watching over your family and especially me. These things give me great comfort.

Much Love,
D'Nell

What Makes Me Feel Smart?

I am a titch nerdy.

*gasp*

Can you believe I just admitted to being nerdy? Well I am.

I love learning and doing things that keeps my mind working. Everyone knows I am in school, but did you know that I do things OUTSIDE of school to still learn?

*gasp*

I know, NERDY.

Okay friends, here is the deal. I am a "cheater" learner. I have ADD...non diagnosed admittedly...but self diagnosed. I love Love LOVE listening to NPR. LOVE IT. I am pretty sure I get this trait from Dean who also loved listening to news programs. Besides just listening to the news, I especially love two programs. I love them so much that I podcast them so I don't miss one single broadcast.

This American Life and Stuff You Should Know

This American Life doesn't always teach you something academic, but it does often teach you about human behavior. So interesting. I have listened to stories about people getting switched at birth and finding out in their twenties, the health care/insurance industry, snitching, what it is like to be at the biggest party school in the nation, the debacle that was freezing bodies after the dies in hopes of bringing them back to life one day, and MANY many more interesting stories. I love this program. LOVE IT. I could say that I heart Ira Glass (he's the host). This is where I first heard David Sedaris, who I also love. I have now read several of his books and am going to see him speak when he comes to my city. What an interesting person and HILARIOUS!

Stuff You Should Know is not only informative but usually FUNNY. This is truly academic...in an interesting way. This is a nice program when I have 10 - 30 minutes and I need something to listen too. I have learned about how long the human body can go without food or water, what is a mortgage backed security, why robots can't get married, how do credit default swaps work, why do humans have body hair, how can a lake explode, etc. Josh Clark and Chuck Bryant present the information in a fun interesting way...it kind of feels like I am goofing off instead of learning something. You all know how much I like goofing off...in case you don't...I love it!

I recommend you check these programs out...you too will be sucked into them and become NERDY like me.

*gasp*

Did I just call you a nerd?

Yep.

P.S. I am also hooked on this new game called kenken...it pretty much revolves around math. Yay for MATH!

Friday Rockout: Playlist 42310

There is a new tradition at work.

Friday Rock Out!

Starting at 1:30 we turn the music up just a little louder and rock out! Just a little something to get us through the last couple of hours until the weekend!

Rules:
Single Ladies must be played FIRST
Diane has veto power
Songs that are considered "too sappy" will be nixed halfway through
Anyone can make a request
We do not answer any of our co-workers questions until they make a song request
When listening too "Single Ladies" and it comes to the part "put your hands up" YOU MUST PUT YOUR HANDS UP

Below is the 42310 play list...Enjoy!

Single Ladies
Hey Mickie
I Gotta Feeling
Not Ready To Make Nice
Hungry Like The Wolf
Poker Face
Love Shack
So What
Only The Good Die Young
Green Tambourine
Bad Romance
Cars
Brain Stew
Pump Up The Jam
Zephyr Song
Defying Gravity
Born To Be Wild
Turn Turn Turn
Lovely Rita Meter Maid
Whip It
Beat It
America Idiot
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Born To Run
Blue Suede Shoes
Holiday
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
I Swear
The Thunder Rolls
Sweet Home Alabama
All Summer Long
Cowboy
American Bad Ass
Here Comes The Sun
Paperback Writer
Viva La Vido
Bad Day
No Shoes No Shirt No Problem
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
Single Ladies

3 Things

3 tender mercies I have recently experienced:

1. Getting to spend time with Lisa, Em, Heather, and Haylee. It was only 90 minutes but it was very much needed.
2. Teaching the 4 year old class on Sunday. They say funny things, are completely crazy, and help me feel the Spirit. I love them.
3. Fast Sunday.

CONFESSION: addiction

I love lip gloss, chapstick, lip balm. You name it...I love it. I have lots of "lip" items.

When I get a new lip gloss I want to put it on every 5 minutes or so...I restrain myself and only put it on every couple of hours...but it's a struggle.

I just purchased some Neutrogena Lip Soother. It's peach flavored...and I am in LOVE!

How To: Birthday Budget

Happy Birthday to ME!

Okay, a quick lesson on how to figure out how much you can spend on yourself for your birthday:

Your age times a X = Birthday Budget!
example: IF you will be say 32, and X for you is $10, then 32 * $10 = $320 to spend for your birthday!

What is a birthday budget? It's the amount of money you can spend on yourself for your birthday with out feeling guilty.

Of course, there are lots of things that can influence X.

I love the birthday budget!

(**this does not imply I am spending $10 * my age on myself this year...it was just an example.)

I Covet...

I covet this ring. I hope one day very soon it is on my finger!

You can find it here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=35941331

BUT I CALL DIBS!

The List

I have a friend who writes a list and sends it out daily. The list is neat.

The rules of the list (as I see them...which means they are probably wrong, rules are only made by the list maker):

1. You have to be considered "special" to be a recipient of the list.
2. You have to be EXTRA special to get the list every day.
3. You can lose your status if you make a wrong move. This is really bad especially when you like getting the list each day. So, you MUST be careful to not annoy/anger the list maker.
4. The list has a new theme each day. And often there are cute pictures of famous actors. (Bonus).
5. You should (it is STRONGLY encouraged) to reply to the list with comments. And you should know this without being told.
6. You should in NO WAY expect an acknowledgment that your comments were received, liked, or disliked. Questions will not be answered if the list maker doesn't want to answer.
7. Don't EVER hit "reply all" when making comments. You will get your "hand slapped".
8. The list allows you a glimpse inside the brain, life, and character of the list maker. This is the best part of the list.

I LIKE, nay, I love the list.

Extra rule: The list doesn't have a BFF. I would like to think it is me if it ever has one. But I have been assured it doesn't.

Best thing that has happened with the list this week?

A picture of a famous country singer was on the list as someone the list maker didn't like. I replied that I didn't like the person either and that I thought she was ugly.

This was the reply I received:

"Hhahahaha... Thanks. I love you even more for that."

I love the list.

Ardell: A Joy!

If you know me, you know how much I love my mom...which is a lot.

Reasons I have the best mom ever:

1. Her name is Ardell. Such a stinkin' spunky name, it fits her.
2. She is her own person and that's the end of the story. I love it.
3. She is a true domestic goddess. She sews, quilts, cooks, preserves food, and has the biggest heart around.
4. She recently bought a new car: RED, twin muffler, sun roof, leather seats, 6 CD changer. The car totally fits her. And when she let me drive it I had EXPLICIT instructions not to open the sun roof. She doesn't know if she is going to use it or not.
5. She volunteers at the elementary 3 times a week, goes to the temple weekly, swims 6 days a week, goes to TOPS, and is an active member of the DUP.
6. She loves her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren with her whole heart. This does not mean she will not put you in your place if you need it.
7. And finally, she could be the patron saint of the underdog or needy. She has the biggest heart I have seen. She loves to help people especially those that have been neglected.

I just love her! If you ever get a chance to meet her...should to take it.

**picture taken by Chadwick Fowler www.chadwickfowler.com**

Chinese Zodiac Signs

This month at work we are celebrating Chinese New Year. With this celebration we have gotten emails about the Chinese Zodiac signs. I am a Horse, read the below description, do you think it sounds like me?

YEARS: 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014

PERSONALITY: Occupying the 7th position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Horse symbolizes such character traits as strength, energy, and an outgoing nature. Extremely animated, Horses thrive when they’re the center of attention. Always in search of a good time, Horses keep the crowds happy with their humor and their wit.

Horses are extremely intelligent so they’re able to grasp new subjects with ease. They’re also capable of multi-tasking however they don’t always finish what they start because they’re forever chasing the next opportunity. Horses are honest, friendly and open-minded. They’re perhaps a bit too centered on themselves and have been known to throw tantrums when situations don’t go their way.

HEALTH: Horses are very healthy, most likely because they maintain a positive outlook on life and because they’re athletic. Lead Horses to wide, open spaces and watch them run free! Horses will usually only feel ill when they’re trapped inside.

COMPATIBILITY: Horses are compatible with a Dog or Tiger and incompatible with a Rat or Monkey.

*the line about "running free!" makes me laugh so I hard I cry. But maybe there is some truth?

My Goal This Semester

I have a goal to get all A's this semester. Cross your fingers that I do it! For every A I am going to reward myself. Not sure what the reward will be, but you better believe it will be awesome!

(((OPINION POLL))) Why Do I Blog Less Frequently

There has been a decline in the frequency of my blog posts. My friend Josh offered an interesting theory (that I can't tell you because it would bias this poll). But why do you think I have been blogging less over the last little while?

A Girl Can Dream...Can't She?

As I paid my tuition this semester, or rather saw my student loan double so I could pay my tuition this semester, I starting thinking about what I could to not have to take out loans to pay for school.

I am really stressed out about getting into more debt. REALLY STRESSED OUT.

Option 1:

Have some mysterious person offer to pay for my tuition, not strings attached (including my current student loan).

possibility: HIGHLY unlikely

Option 2:

Find a new job that pays more towards tuition than my current job. Down side: I like my job.

possibility: unlikely, since most companies have a waiting period before they pay tuition (say 6 months) plus add the time it takes to find a new job (say 6 months) and then I only have one more semester left.

Option 3: (BEST IDEA YET)

Marry a person who works for the my school then my tuition instantly gets cut in half! I would take a 50% reduction in a heartbeat. But who could I marry? I would even just marry them in name only (total SHAM wedding) and then we could divorce in October 2011. Great plan huh! I think so.

possibility: never gonna happen. I know this is unethical and maybe morally wrong. But what if I just happened to meet someone this semester (who worked for my schoo), fell in love, and got married BEFORE the next semester started. AWESOME!

Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

Looking Forward 2010

I love "new" things and that includes a new year. I have been thinking over the last month or so about what 2010 would mean for me. What goals would I set, what goals would I abandon, where would I be?

My thoughts tended to gravitate to the usual "pay down debt, diet, work out more, blah, blah, blah". I have set these goals many (MANY) times in the past and others like them and trust me when I say I don't feel like I have made a dent. Would 2010 be like other years? Or would this year be different? I often feel like I am running in place, and have been for several years. My life isn't moving in the direction I would like it to go, but feels like I am continually running in circles or taking a step forward only to take a step or two backwards. Would I break the cycle this year?

When I got home from Christmas vacation I decided to read the January Ensign and my heart was "pricked" when I read these words.

"Remember Lot's wife (Luke 17:32)...

My theme comes in the next verse. Surely, with the Lord’s counsel—“look not behind thee”—ringing clearly in her ears, Lot’s wife, the record says, “looked back,” and she was turned into a pillar of salt (see verse 26).

Just what did Lot’s wife do that was so wrong? As a student of history, I have thought about that and offer a partial answer. Apparently, what was wrong with Lot’s wife was that she wasn’t just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before she was past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in Zion, but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in Babylon.

It is possible that Lot’s wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. We certainly know that Laman and Lemuel were resentful when Lehi and his family were commanded to leave Jerusalem. So it isn’t just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. That, apparently, was at least part of her sin.

As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind." (from the article "The Best is Yet to Be by Jeffery R. Holland")

The Spirit whispered "in 2009 you learned to stop looking longingly back. You have been moving forward." I felt such joy. Let me explain, I think it was in early 2006 that life felt perfect. Seriously. That was until one day I was counseling with the Lord about a situation and the answer I got was not the answer I wanted, so I didn't listen. I moved forward veering from the life path I knew the Lord had planned for me in this one SMALL area. I did not realize the impact it would have on my life.

In the following years I found myself looking back longingly and those seemingly perfect times and wondered how to get them back. I tried very hard. Although I didn't turn into a pillar of salt I did experience much heartache over my decision. I cried more than I was proud of, and spent WAY to many hours thinking and talking about it.

In 2009 I started moving forward, this time on the path that the Lord wanted me too. I feel lighter, more free.

So what goals am I going to set for 2010? I am not sure yet, but you can bet I will listen and follow what the Lord has planned for me.

And I will always remember "Faith is always pointed to the future."