Today

Today.

My heart is overflowing with emotion.

This morning I went to a beautiful funeral for a co-worker.

          A beautiful SPIRIT filled service. My eyes were overflowing with emotion.
          Also known as crying. My heart overflowed through my eyes.
          It was a service that when it was over you felt better. Renewed even, because you communed with
          Holy Spirit. And you know He lives, even Jesus Christ, the Atonement is real, and you are a much
          better person for knowing the person whose life you are celebrating.

My day ended with a wedding dinner for a dear friend. I went with two other amazing ladies. These three people have become like sisters to me. I am better for knowing them. And, again for the second time today my eyes overflowed with emotion.

          Pure joy and happiness for being a part of HayPants special celebration.

Today I have been renewed.
Today I am happy.
Today I will thank my Heavenly Father for the amazing people I have in my life.
He put them there.
I just followed His path.

Today.
Today is a GREAT day.

Today. Tomorrow.

Today.

Two years ago today I got a call from my brother telling me that I should probably go see Dad. He told me Dad wasn't doing well.

Two years ago today my heart started hurting.

Two years ago today I said goodbye and told you that I loved you. I knew when I saw you it wouldn't be long. I didn't want to believe it but I couldn't deny it.

Tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow I got a call from Mom that you had passed away. I had just gotten out of the 1st elevator I had to take to get to work. I knew when I saw the caller ID what she would be telling me.

Two years ago tomorrow I rushed home and peeked in on your body and knew you weren't there.

Two years ago tomorrow my heart hurt so bad as it was breaking because I knew I wouldn't hear your voice or see you again for the rest of my Earthly life.

Today.

Today I know more than ever that families are forever. I am so grateful the for knowledge of Eternal Families and that I am a part of one.

Today I know that you still watch over me and the rest of your family. I can feel your love.

Today the heartache is less and I choose to remember all the good things you taught me.

Today, and really everyday, I am thankful for the blessing of having you as my Earthly father. I am excited for the day when I get to see you again. I love you!

One Year Ago

One year ago today I saw my dad for the last time.
One year ago today I told him I loved him.
One year ago today I knew, I knew that this may be the last time I would see him in this life.
One year ago today my heart started aching.

As the one year anniversary of my dad death has gotten closer I find that I often have to hold back tears. His death seems like it happened so long ago, but yet I can remember the moment I heard he was gone as if it were 2 minutes ago. I have learned over the years that there are some moments that always stay crystal clear in my memory.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary, 11/7/2008.

One year later I know, even more, that my Father in Heaven loves me.
One year later I have more compassion for those who have lost a parent, no matter their age.
One year later I still miss him and long for the day when I get to see him again.
One year later I know that he is my Guardian Angel. That he watches over me, that he also can't wait for the day when he gets to wrap his arms around me.

All In Perspective

On occasions, like most people I am sure, I think that I have a really hard life. As soon as I get sad or frustrated I am quickly reminded that I have it pretty good.

I have had one of those weeks. A week where I realize that I am not where I wanted to be in life. A week where I realize that I may have to wait longer than I wanted for things to happen. A week where I feel more alone.

Today, however, I saw some amazing friends who love me for me.
I laughed, and then laughed more.
When I got home I did some chores while Ardell bossed me.
Then we just sat outside and chatted.

It was a great day. Simple pleasures that remind me that Heavenly Father loves me. That I have value, and that I need to keep things in perspective.

A Theme Found

I found a theme, but not a 2009 theme, a life theme...well really more of a life question:

"As you go through these tough times, you each have a simple choice to make. You can either choose to be bitter, or you can choose to be better. Which do you choose?"

I was thinking how I could introduce or explain why I chose this theme, and then when I was responding to an email about the theme, I thought "Why not just post my response to their statement."

My friends statement about my theme: "I am surprised to see this as the theme you have chosen. I just expected something with a more poetic rhythm from you."

Without further ado, my response: (with just a few motifications)

I agree...I was expecting something with more sass, pizzaz, etc. But, this just struck a chord in my heart. Death always makes you reflect. Reflect on the person's life, and on your own life. I have been thinking a lot about what I can learn from how my father chose to live his life and what I can glean from him to make my life better.

For most of his life, he chose to be bitter about wrongs, hard times, really just a lot of things that were tough to deal with and experience. I will be the first to admit, he had a really really really hard life. Choices by his mother, grandmother, and others that didn't give him the best start or help during some pretty important years in his life. I mean for goodness sakes his brother committed suicide. HOWEVER, he didn't let these experiences make him better...he kept some bitterness.

About a year or so ago I found a tape my dad talked on about his life, he was speaking of things from his childhood. 80% or more of the tape were bad things that happened to him. After the first time listening to it, I vowed I wouldn't listen to it again. I didn't need to be reminded of the bitterness. However, when my attitude towards helping take care of my dad changed...I found myself needing to listen to it again. Seeing him in the prime of his "BITTERNESS" on the tape contrasted with the "BETTERNESS" that I was seeing him display during the last year of my life affected me profoundly. Let me explain the "BETTERNESS" I am speaking of, experiences with my dad taught me that he could get grumpy or unpleasant in certain situations. My prediction was that his children taking care of his every need (and I mean even the most personal ones), would have made him even more unpleasant or grumpy. BUT during this time he was pleasant. He told us he loved us. My dad repeatedly told us he had beautiful daughters, that he didn't know how he got to be so lucky to have such great children. In, what I would have thought would be the hardest trial to endure, he let him make him BETTER. The bitterness that lingered from earlier years was almost non-existant.

The quote that I heard summed it up for me. I don't want to spend years or even seconds of my life carrying bitterness with me. I want to spend seconds and years carrying betterness with me. I choose to be happy. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to see the good in people. I choose to laugh. I choose to love, and to love with my whole heart. I choose to keep those I love (friends, family, etc) close to me. I choose to be better. That is my choice now and forever.

I don't think it will be easy, but I am going to try.

This is why it more of a life motto...so I need to still come up with a 2009 theme....any thoughts?

**final note, lest you get the wrong idea, my friend liked the theme."**

Daddy

Almon Dean Gillespie

May 12, 1928 - November 7, 2008

We love you.

We know you love us.

Oh! How lovely was the reunion with your sons.

Lots of hugs, kisses, and laughter.

Don't worry about Mom, we will take good care of her.

We will miss you.

You're Going To Have To Wait...

Today I went on a roller coaster ride, an emotional roller coaster ride.

I have been happy, excited, annoyed, irritated, dumbfounded, sad, giggly, hopeful, crying sad, tired (if you don't think tired counts as an emotion...just come talk to me), proud, elated, calm, holding back tears, thoughtful, and finally NUMB.

So, if you want to see me express any emotion...you're just going to have to wait because mine are all used up.

Just consider me for the next week or so DEAD INSIDE.

(Do you ever have days like this. I hate/despise them. And then later...looking back...I appreciate them...but NOT for a long long long long time.)

Split Personality

Sometimes I wish my skills with my job would come home with me.

WORK: I am really great at communicating in an effective appropriate manner at work. I am able to express opinions and be assertive and make the situation a "win - win". I am not afraid of confrontation. Hardly ever get nervous in highly "tense" situations. I am not afraid of pushing back and making sure the appropriate things are said and happening. I stand up for what is correct and right.

PERSONAL LIFE: Complete and utter mess (at least that's how it feels). I am scared of any kind of confrontation. I have a hard time expressing my opinion and being assertive. Any type of communication where there is a hint of maybe it won't go well...I get so nervous! Sarcastic remarks often slip in...not good at all! I don't always stand up for what is correct and right...and that really bothers me.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes? That they can do something in one area of their life, but not in others? Am I crazy?

3 Things

3 Things That I am Grateful For Today:

*The peace before a spring or summer storm. I love the sky, the smell of the air, and the anticipation.
*Technology. Instant updates from Misun. The ability to chat at Joe while Misun holds the phone to his ear, so that even though I am not there he knows I love him.
*Family. Without whom life would not only be extremely boring, but wouldn't be worth living.

January 22nd

Tomorrow, January 22nd will be my 1 year anniversary with my current employer Intermountain Healthcare. I really like it there and am excited with what I hope to be the first of many milestones. However, tomorrow also means that I only have 2 months left in my 20's...and this fact makes me want to cry.

Why is turning 30 such a big deal to me? Why do I feel like I haven't accomplished enough? Why do I feel like if I turn 30 I will automatically be a failure? Weird. One reason maybe that I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that if I don't have my first child by 30 then the risk to me and my future children increases significantly. What rat face would tell a single woman that on a repeated basis? Even in jest? (I can give you a name if you are really interested.) This thought literally seeps in every time I think of being 30 and I want to cry.

In reality, I am not a failure, I have accomplished a lot, and turning 30 is just a beginning to a new decade of amazing life experiences. As for the having children after 30 comment...well Ardell had me at 46 and I am freakin' amazing and so is she.

Looking Back and Looking Forward

2007:

*New job, which I love. I have such amazing bosses, I didn't know bosses like this existed. Intermountain has given me a lot of opportunities. I am happy there.
*New shoes, Keen's and Earth shoes. I love them. I can't believe I didn't purchase them before December. Seriously, I LOVE THEM. So comfy, so cute.
*A changed mom, Ardell today is amazing to see. 2007 started off with her is so much pain. She bent over when she walked or stood. Always in pain. She tried not to let that limit her, but it did. Her temper was short and her attitude was not always the best. Just last week, I saw her standing straight up in the kitchen getting something out of the cupboard. Every time I see something small like this I want to shout and cry for joy. The old Ardell is back, the happy nice one.
*New FANTASTIC friends, and some amazing old ones. I made some great friendships this year. People who inspire me to be me, the best me. We laugh and support each other. Reconnected with several "old" friends. They are amazing. I hope to never let the connection lapse. I learned this year the true importance of good friends. Ones who will always be there no matter if for a month you just cry to them...or just need a support. They are there for the good and the not so good. Thanks for being there.
*Hard year, 2007 may have been the hardest year I have had. December 2006 some really frustrating things in a lot of areas had built up. I was at a breaking point. Slowly over the months I was able to work though each item. Today, I am so much happier than last year, and am looking at the world and my life through different eyes. More knowing educated eyes. With this said, I hope my crying days are, if not OVER, at least reduced by 75%
*Words, I started a blog, and it has caused me to think more about MY WORDS. I reflect more now before I let things just spew out of my mouth. My words have caused a lot of pain and unpleasantness, I hope they cause less if any in the future. Words are important, words should lift and not tear down. I have learned so much about myself, and blogging is cheap therapy.
*The importance of silence. So I can hear the Still Small Voice more often and when it is needed.

2008
*Started off a bit rocky: 8 hours in...My car door lock is frozen, key goes in, but won't turn. Don't wash your car in the late afternoon in WINTER. Lesson learned. Also, I have already cried this year, not about the car, something else. I don't want to cry anymore about this, I try really hard, but it still gets to me. I will be strong and not such a baby. I have already filled my quota for the 1st 3 months...let's hope I don't exceed it.
*More education, I am actually looking forward to going back to school. I love to learn and am excited to see the opportunities in my career open up a lot more with an MBA. Let's all pray I get a good score on the GMAT.
*A year to teach, I am now a relief society teacher, my first lesson as such is in 2 weeks. I am really excited, REALLY excited. I never thought I would be this excited over a calling...but I am.
*Big decisions, I have some big decisions to make this year. Honestly, I am a little scared of the decisions and the consequences. But either way, I will move forward.
*Goals. The first one is to actually make a goal about my goals.
*Fun, 2008 has some fun things planned...I will write about them all in due time, so stick around, I hope it is going to be "one wild and crazy ride!"

The Christmas That Changed Me

The past couple of weeks, my emotions have been really close to the surface, especially at church or other places that I have been able to feel the Spirit. The same Christmas memory comes to my mind and so I thought I would share it with you!

It was the Christmas of 1988, I was in 5th grade. Christmas Eve my dad took me to KMART so I could buy a Christmas gift for my brother David. I picked out this tri-fold wallet mini planner thing. Christmas morning it was my mom, dad, David, and myself. I remember about half-way though opening my presents looking at David and realizing that all he got was a pair of black socks and the wallet I purchased him. The magic of getting presents on Christmas was gone. I didn't want to open any more. I felt a terrible pain in my 10 year old soul, I didn't want to get more presents than him.

Later that day our family met at my sister Inez's house. David gave everyone his present to them. He has spent that year cutting out blocks out of levi's, sewing them together, and tying the quilts. He had made one for all his brothers and sisters, with enough left over to give one to each of his children. Yet, he still had only added a small cactus to his small pile of Christmas gifts. He didn't seem to care, he was happy with the presents that he gave. He wasn't expecting anything in return.

This was David's last Christmas. He died in April of the next year. He had spent a good part of his last year on Earth working on a gift for those he loved most.

His last Christmas left me with an important truth. This time of year is NOT about getting temporal gifts, it is about giving. Every kind of giving. Since then I have stopped making REAL Christmas lists. I really don't care what I get. I am more concerned with others and making sure they have a good Christmas. It is a time to show love to others. It is a time to give service, a time to share the gospel, a time for rejoicing, and a time to look outward and not be selfish.

Christmas since 1988 has lost that magic of childhood, but has gained much more. I am thankful for this gift that I have been given: an understanding of the meaning of this time of year.

A Thankful Heart

I am Thankful for...
*a healthy mom, who has recovered nicely from 2 hip replacement surgeries. Ardell felt so good, that she prepared a large and very tasty Thanksgiving meal.
*the opportunity to serve my dad and help my mom and sisters take care of him in the last bit of his life. It is something that I really struggle with. I have to work on having a good attitude, to remember that this is a blessing, and some days I am just trying not to gag. I am learning a lot about myself in the process.
*a good job, with wonderful, funny co-workers and AMAZING bosses. Wow, am I lucky.
*the gospel, My Savior, Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost without which I might have had a complete breakdown about 7 times.
*my friends who amaze me almost daily with how caring, funny, inspiring, and completely crazy they all are.
*my immediate family: parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, and all of the in-laws. Each year I appreciate them more and more. I have always said it is hard to be the youngest by 12 years, but that is more than made up for by the people who are apart of my family. Not a day goes by that I don't talk, email, or text someone in my family. We have such a great time together. I am also lucky enough to have THE cutest nieces and nephews they are too funny!
*my education and the opportunity to be able to get more education.
*my blog. I have discovered that it is great therapy for me!
*my many purses...and all the purses I will own in the future.
*yahoo music and yahoo music videos...it keeps me going at work!
*my favorite lamp

Below are some fun pictures from my Thanksgiving day. I hope you enjoy!

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You're not even gone, but I still miss you. Honestly, I have missed you for awhile. I wish I could have prevented it all, but in the moment, and moments I couldn't see clearly to stop it. I don't know how to move forward to make the best of the situation. I have a few ideas...but I am afraid sharing them will make the situation worse. I really just want a hug... from no one but you.

Searching For A Deeper Meaning...