3 Things

3 things I love about Monday nights:

1. I get to do math. Just good old fashioned algebra and geometry and I am in heaven.
2. I am learning new tricks I never knew about! I mean seriously, why didn't teachers ever teach us these SUPER EASY tricks to figure out math problems?
3. I feel closer to Dean every Monday. My dad had a passion for math and especially for the number 1 & 0. Each Monday as I study and then work through problems and explain them, I picture him watching me with a huge grin on his face. I can also hear him telling his friends and family in heaven, "That's my daughter, isn't she great!"

Did I tell you how much I enjoy Monday nights?

Giving Thanks

(Nikki and Liberty)

Last night I got to go to dinner with two of my nieces, Nikki and Shannon and then to "The Forgotten Carols" with Shannon.

Why am I telling you this? Well, just be patient for a moment...I am getting there.

For the last little while there has been this scrap of a thought/feeling rattling around in my subconscious. Last night it formed into a full fledged, heart touching, soul pricking, punch to the face.

(DeeAn laughing so hard I think she might fall over)

During the dinner the thought started forming and then during the performance it came to me. I have been given one of the greatest gifts.

A wonderful, fun, energetic, caring, opinionated, unique, LOVING family.

You know what else? I wouldn't trade them for any other family in the world.
My family is perfect for me.

(Lily)

And I get to have the best of both worlds. Awesome siblings AND fantastic Nieces and Nephews...who often feel more like siblings. I just love them.

This is going to sounds cheesy, but a firm sure knowledge that being a part of my family was not a coincidence but a divine gift really is the best Christmas gift I could receive.


Besides, what other family could love this face AND get my sense of humor!?

(P.S. I have a wonderfully talented niece Megan who is a photographer. She took all the pictures above and I stole them from her FB. Meg, don't be mad).

Today. Tomorrow.

Today.

Two years ago today I got a call from my brother telling me that I should probably go see Dad. He told me Dad wasn't doing well.

Two years ago today my heart started hurting.

Two years ago today I said goodbye and told you that I loved you. I knew when I saw you it wouldn't be long. I didn't want to believe it but I couldn't deny it.

Tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow I got a call from Mom that you had passed away. I had just gotten out of the 1st elevator I had to take to get to work. I knew when I saw the caller ID what she would be telling me.

Two years ago tomorrow I rushed home and peeked in on your body and knew you weren't there.

Two years ago tomorrow my heart hurt so bad as it was breaking because I knew I wouldn't hear your voice or see you again for the rest of my Earthly life.

Today.

Today I know more than ever that families are forever. I am so grateful the for knowledge of Eternal Families and that I am a part of one.

Today I know that you still watch over me and the rest of your family. I can feel your love.

Today the heartache is less and I choose to remember all the good things you taught me.

Today, and really everyday, I am thankful for the blessing of having you as my Earthly father. I am excited for the day when I get to see you again. I love you!

Should Not

I called David a couple days after he went home to see if he missed me.

His response?

"Como Nellie I miss your iPod."

That dang iPod I should not have ever downloaded the Thomas game and let him and Joseph play it. But oh how they loved playing it!

Korean Brothers

David and Joseph are visiting me (okay, the whole family) this week. Just before this picture was taken Joseph had his arm around David. TOO. CUTE. FOR. WORDS.

I love my family and especially these cuties.
A couple of nights ago David prayed for me and Grandma (melt my heart).
I am slowly but surely winning over Joseph, today at lunch as we were leaving the restaurant Joseph grabbed my hand...not his mom's. YES!

Let's just say it has been a great week!

**Please disregard the messiness of my apartment and the laundry basket of clothes.**

6.20.2010

Dad,

Happy Father's Day! I hope you got to spend today with your dad and sons. I can't imagine a better time.

So, no one told me that the 2nd Father's Day without you would be much harder than the first. I didn't even realize today was Father's day until church. It was the last speaker in Sacrament meeting that really got to me. He was talking about how you feel about your dad at different ages in life..once he got to 35, 45, 55, etc. I started to tear up. The typical things you think or do with your dad at those ages I won't get to experience. I wish you were there or at least waiting at home for some strawberry ice cream. Sometimes I still expect to see you in your room as I walk by...and it shocks me you aren't there.

Don't worry Dad I have faith I will see you again. I know you are watching over your family and especially me. These things give me great comfort.

Much Love,
D'Nell

Ardell: A Joy!

If you know me, you know how much I love my mom...which is a lot.

Reasons I have the best mom ever:

1. Her name is Ardell. Such a stinkin' spunky name, it fits her.
2. She is her own person and that's the end of the story. I love it.
3. She is a true domestic goddess. She sews, quilts, cooks, preserves food, and has the biggest heart around.
4. She recently bought a new car: RED, twin muffler, sun roof, leather seats, 6 CD changer. The car totally fits her. And when she let me drive it I had EXPLICIT instructions not to open the sun roof. She doesn't know if she is going to use it or not.
5. She volunteers at the elementary 3 times a week, goes to the temple weekly, swims 6 days a week, goes to TOPS, and is an active member of the DUP.
6. She loves her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren with her whole heart. This does not mean she will not put you in your place if you need it.
7. And finally, she could be the patron saint of the underdog or needy. She has the biggest heart I have seen. She loves to help people especially those that have been neglected.

I just love her! If you ever get a chance to meet her...should to take it.

**picture taken by Chadwick Fowler www.chadwickfowler.com**

Blessing: PEOPLE

I am surrounded by the most amazing people.
GOOD people.
People who are SPIRITUAL.
KIND people.
People who are trying to make the BEST of the talents they have been blessed with.
SMART people.
Super SMART people.

I have been so blessed.

November 27, 2009

Hola Dad,

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope all is well. Dad, I really wish I could talk to you. I have so many things I want to ask you. Your sister Alberta passed away and it raised many MANY questions about past history.

Joe and I were talking the other day and we wondered out loud what you would have done if Alberta had passed away before you. We both decided that your reaction would have been close to Uncle Edwards. You would have been sad, and you would have wanted to be involved in everything. You wouldn't have mentioned at the funeral all the negative things that happened in your relationship, but instead would have just been a support. I think you would have been sad to see your sister pass away. I bet you were there standing in the wings when she arrived on the other side. Tall and silent, that's how I picture you.

I went with mom to Alberta's viewing and funeral, you would have wanted that. You would want your family to support hers. That's something you and mom taught us, family comes first, no matter what your relationship is or was. It was interesting to compare your viewing and funeral to Alberta's viewing and funeral. The differences having me pondering why they were there, I think I have it figured out...it wasn't really that hard.

The burning questions are about what was said at her funeral about her life and history. Some of the things that were shared about her growing up had some interesting parts left out from the stories you told...I wonder if she didn't know or if she didn't tell her children. Alberta was described as a kind, loving, caring, person with great taste. This is not how I viewed her or how she treated us. Do you think this was because of your relationship with her? Is this because of Grandma Gaer? It is all very strange. Very strange. I know you and mom tried to do all you could. I wish things could have been different, that the relationship would have been there. I think it would have made a huge difference.

Dad, when we see each other in heaven again and if there is a movie of your life...do you think I could watch it? I have all these questions. I would like to see for myself with you sitting by explaining what is going on...just to clear up all my questions.

Much Love,
D'Nell

p.s. Going to Alberta's funeral reminded me how much I miss you. Thank you for watching over me...I know you are. I love you.

Heart Full Of Thanks

Today I have a heart full of THANKS.

I am thankful for being a part of the Ardell & Dean family. I truly couldn't imagine better parents, or better brothers and sisters. For me, this was the perfect family, including all the ups and downs.

I am thankful for just best nieces and nephews. I went to see New Moon with two of my nieces last night, truly my nieces and nephews are some of my best friends (even the in-laws). It helps that they are about my same age.

I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which has taught me about eternal families. This gospel helps me to have peace each day, not only peace, but HOPE.

I am thankful to have a job. A job which I love...even if I sometimes complain...I still love it.

Today, I have a very thankful heart.

One Year Ago

One year ago today I saw my dad for the last time.
One year ago today I told him I loved him.
One year ago today I knew, I knew that this may be the last time I would see him in this life.
One year ago today my heart started aching.

As the one year anniversary of my dad death has gotten closer I find that I often have to hold back tears. His death seems like it happened so long ago, but yet I can remember the moment I heard he was gone as if it were 2 minutes ago. I have learned over the years that there are some moments that always stay crystal clear in my memory.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary, 11/7/2008.

One year later I know, even more, that my Father in Heaven loves me.
One year later I have more compassion for those who have lost a parent, no matter their age.
One year later I still miss him and long for the day when I get to see him again.
One year later I know that he is my Guardian Angel. That he watches over me, that he also can't wait for the day when he gets to wrap his arms around me.

All In Perspective

On occasions, like most people I am sure, I think that I have a really hard life. As soon as I get sad or frustrated I am quickly reminded that I have it pretty good.

I have had one of those weeks. A week where I realize that I am not where I wanted to be in life. A week where I realize that I may have to wait longer than I wanted for things to happen. A week where I feel more alone.

Today, however, I saw some amazing friends who love me for me.
I laughed, and then laughed more.
When I got home I did some chores while Ardell bossed me.
Then we just sat outside and chatted.

It was a great day. Simple pleasures that remind me that Heavenly Father loves me. That I have value, and that I need to keep things in perspective.

Sisters

This picture makes me happy! We have a family dinner/birthday party almost every month. The ones in the summer/spring/fall where it is good enough weather to be out side are the best. If you have spent time around my family you know we love each other a lot. And nothing is off limits. We like to talk, share opinions, laugh, and lecture each other all while watching the kids run around in the background. And my mom LOVES to be right in the middle of it all. I usually always leave with my spirit boosted and have a feeling of overwhelming love and acceptance.

Aren't my sister's beautiful? Seriously, looking at this picture makes me realize I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazingly beautiful sisters; they are beautiful on the outside and on the inside.

Sisters are great...but let's not forget that brothers are pretty amazing too.

My cute niece Megs took this picture...she commented that it was the crazy side and the sweet side. My question to you is which is which?

My Mom is Cooler Than Your MOM. Hi-YAA!

Ardell just finished the "Swim The English Channel" challenge at the local swimming pool. She came in 3rd place. She got a certificate and a t-shirt. She wore the t-shirt at our family party to show off. (She is such a bragger sometimes. It makes me giggle).

The day after they put up the bulletin board she called me at 8AM and told me to go take a picture of the picture of her because it was a really good one. I agree.

So, the point of this? Well, let's just say that my mom is COOLER than your mom. HI- YAA!

Father's Day

Happy Father's day! There are lots of great "father's" in my life and I love all of the very much.

I would be lying if I didn't admit I just wanted to cry today. I miss my dad. It's not fair that he isn't here...but life's not fair...which really is quite RUDE.

Whew! I Dodged That Bullet

One of my dad's favorite stories to tell was about my blessing day. As usual he picked out my name but didn't really tell anyone what it was going to be, instead he joked that he was going to name me a Spanish name meaning "the ultimate end". In church he filled out two blessing cards. One with my real name and the above one.

My grandma Swasey was sitting behind him trying to get a glance at what my real name would be...but my dad had other ideas and would be holding the "fake" card. When the Bishop got up to announce the blessing's he could not pronounce my name and just said Dean & Ardell's new baby. It was then that whispering went down the row "he's really going to do it".

Lucky for me it was just a trick.

I loved hearing my dad tell the story of my blessing day, and finally finding the "faker" card made me squeal with delight!

I am pretty sure the fake name does not mean "the ultimate end" in any language.

2009 Mother's Day

I love my mom.
She is spunky, sassy, and a spit fire.
Words cannot express how lucky I am to have her.
She is the first person I think of with happy or sad news.
She tells the same stories over and over, and I never tire of hearing them.
I just love her.

Thanks for being the perfect mom for me.
Thanks for loving me, even though I tease you.
Thanks for teaching me how to be a better person.
Thanks for showing us what it means to "endure well".
Thanks for believing in me.
Just...thanks.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Ugly: My computer got a virus.

The Bad: I have been computer-less for just over a week now. (This really hasn't been that bad)

The Good: My brother-in-law is fixing my computer and realized I haven't ever been able to access 30% of my memory. (We can talk off-line about the reason). He is going to wipe the computer clean and re-load everything...which means no virus and more memory!!!

Let's me just give a small shout out to Marc who puts up with all of us who get one ore more virus and also those of us who are or just choose to be technologically unsavvy. He really is very paitient and kind to help us out.

3 Things

3 things I love about Ardell:

1. She is her own person. She doesn't need to be hip, or have the latest or best anything. She is who she is and doesn't apologize for it. She taught her children the same values.
2. She likes to "party". Party in Ardell (and Dean) lingo is going out to lunch with friends, dinner with family, or socializing. I spoke with my mom just now and asked what she did today, her answer: "I partied. I went to lunch with my high school friends."
3. Her love of family. She loves her children unconditionally, which doesn't mean she always likes us, but she always loves us. Growing up I never heard "your dad's family" or "my family" it was always "our family" meaning she doesn't think of my dad's family as something less related than her family. She has always made my dad's side of the family feel like they are related a lot closer than just through marriage. She also gets just as excited to learn about my dad's family history as she does her own.

I just love my mom. She is the best ever and make me laugh often!

A Theme Found

I found a theme, but not a 2009 theme, a life theme...well really more of a life question:

"As you go through these tough times, you each have a simple choice to make. You can either choose to be bitter, or you can choose to be better. Which do you choose?"

I was thinking how I could introduce or explain why I chose this theme, and then when I was responding to an email about the theme, I thought "Why not just post my response to their statement."

My friends statement about my theme: "I am surprised to see this as the theme you have chosen. I just expected something with a more poetic rhythm from you."

Without further ado, my response: (with just a few motifications)

I agree...I was expecting something with more sass, pizzaz, etc. But, this just struck a chord in my heart. Death always makes you reflect. Reflect on the person's life, and on your own life. I have been thinking a lot about what I can learn from how my father chose to live his life and what I can glean from him to make my life better.

For most of his life, he chose to be bitter about wrongs, hard times, really just a lot of things that were tough to deal with and experience. I will be the first to admit, he had a really really really hard life. Choices by his mother, grandmother, and others that didn't give him the best start or help during some pretty important years in his life. I mean for goodness sakes his brother committed suicide. HOWEVER, he didn't let these experiences make him better...he kept some bitterness.

About a year or so ago I found a tape my dad talked on about his life, he was speaking of things from his childhood. 80% or more of the tape were bad things that happened to him. After the first time listening to it, I vowed I wouldn't listen to it again. I didn't need to be reminded of the bitterness. However, when my attitude towards helping take care of my dad changed...I found myself needing to listen to it again. Seeing him in the prime of his "BITTERNESS" on the tape contrasted with the "BETTERNESS" that I was seeing him display during the last year of my life affected me profoundly. Let me explain the "BETTERNESS" I am speaking of, experiences with my dad taught me that he could get grumpy or unpleasant in certain situations. My prediction was that his children taking care of his every need (and I mean even the most personal ones), would have made him even more unpleasant or grumpy. BUT during this time he was pleasant. He told us he loved us. My dad repeatedly told us he had beautiful daughters, that he didn't know how he got to be so lucky to have such great children. In, what I would have thought would be the hardest trial to endure, he let him make him BETTER. The bitterness that lingered from earlier years was almost non-existant.

The quote that I heard summed it up for me. I don't want to spend years or even seconds of my life carrying bitterness with me. I want to spend seconds and years carrying betterness with me. I choose to be happy. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to see the good in people. I choose to laugh. I choose to love, and to love with my whole heart. I choose to keep those I love (friends, family, etc) close to me. I choose to be better. That is my choice now and forever.

I don't think it will be easy, but I am going to try.

This is why it more of a life motto...so I need to still come up with a 2009 theme....any thoughts?

**final note, lest you get the wrong idea, my friend liked the theme."**